I will not pretend to know what these parents are feeling, and I pray every day that I never do. But I know that the tears I cry are real, and that when I walked in the door on Friday after work, I sobbed harder than I had in four years. I hugged my baby boy with all that I had. And even at 20 months, my sweet little boy knew his momma was hurting. He came to me, and wrapped his arms tight around me, and let me hold him longer than he normally does. He wiped my tear the same way I wipe his, and patted my back. I've given him more hugs and kisses in the last 3 days than he knows what to do with, all because life seems more fragile now.
There are so many unanswered questions, and honestly, when they are all answered... it still will not change the outcome. 20 little babies. 6 adults before their time, too. Adults who died trying to protect the children inside that school. There is nothing that will bring them back, and all we are left with is their memory. I pray their deaths are not in vain, and that real changes are made, to prevent this from ever happening again.
I will be the first to say my faith has been tested, truly tested, in the last few years. This year, I read a book by Angie Smith, I Will Carry You. This quote has stayed with me for a long time, and seems appropriate in light of Friday's events. Angie talks a lot about how and why she remains so devout in her faith, despite her personal tragedies.
I want you to know, especially if you do not know the Lord, that He is real. This is not a fairy-tale, coping mechanism that I rely on when I need to escape from reality. It is not something I do because it’s nice to have a place to dress up for on Sunday mornings. It is my fervent prayer that somehow I can manage in this post to find a balance between not alienating people and sharing my heart. It’s just that I don’t know how people get through things like this without Him.
And so, I will continue to pray.
On Tuesday, December 18th, there will be a blogger day of silence. We will post the button and that's it. Please try to not post anything else that day if possible.
It doesn't seem right to jump back into posting, when so many are hurting. Blogs were an 'out' for me in my time of grief - something to get lost in, and forget about real life for a while - so sometime soon I will manage to post again. But for now, writing about anything else seems forced, and I always want to keep it real here.
I hope if you also have a blog, you will share in the blogger day of silence.
Continue to pray for the lives lost, and their grieving families. Newtown needs our prayers.